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The Cake Bible
The Cake Bible was written by our forefathers many centuries ago. It is the inspiration taken from this good book that gives us the strength to live our lives in the true Holy way. There are very few copies of the Cake Bible in existence, and are all written in the ancient language of Chee Skake. Although able to read the original texts themselves, the Order of the Cake elders have been translating a number of verses to place on the pages of this website. This page features a number of these verses, and each shall randomly appear when the page is visited
Book of Sponges, Chapter 8 vs. 1-14 . . . . 'In the time of the reign of Wenise Dawd, in the land of T'wah Beel-D'ing, there lived a humble servant of Gah-T'Oh, called Victoria. And one day the Lord came unto Victoria in the form of an apple pie and spake unto her thusly: 'Victoria, daughter of Battenberg, it is I, the Lord Gah-T'oh. I command thee to go from this place, for i have prepared for thee a special destiny.' And Victoria was afraid and a-quivered with fright like unto a trifle. 'My Lord, why hast thou chosen me?' To which Gah-T'oh replied, 'For thou art wise in the ways of cake. Go from this place, and fetch eggs, flour, and sugar, for verily hast thou much baking to do this day.' And lo Victoria didst bake a spongy cake, that was passing light and moist. And the Lord commanded her to slice the cake through the middle. And then he spoke unto her, 'Victoria, hast thou knowledge of a confectionary, made from the strawberry or even the raspberry, known unto my priests as 'Jam'?' And yea, 'jam' was fetched from the shop. The Lord again asked of her, 'Hast thou knowledge of a delight, gleaned from the excretions of the cow's teat, known unto my priests as 'Cream?'' And lo 'cream' was also fetched from the shop. And the Lord didst show Victoria how both 'cream' and 'jam' can be righteously spread betwixt the two halves of the sponge, to create a divine sandwich of cakey goodness. And lo, Victoria brought her sponge cake unto the people of T'wah Beel-D'ing, and on a Wednesday didst they partake of its creamy, jammy, and spongy delights. And Yea it was known as a Victoria Sponge. And the Lord saw that it was good.'
Chapter 6, Vs. 11-21 . . . . 'Lo it came to pass that our Lord Gah-T’oh called his servant known as Kipling, and moved him to speak unto the people of Bakewell, to chide them for their ignorance of cake-related issues: “People of Bakewell, thy neighbours the people of Eccles hath greatly shamed ye, for they hath prepared confectionaries named ‘Eccles Cakes,’ whilst ye in thy great sloth and ignorance hath conceived of no such delight. Therefore I commend ye, people of Bakewell, to create in the image of our Lord Gah-T’oh a glorious baked product, with almondy stuff, icing, and verily even a glace cherry nestl’d upon its very teat, like unto a booby. And yea it shall be known from this time as the Bakewell Tart.'
Chapter 9, Vs 12-18 . . . . 'And knowing nothing of the great significance of Custard, the Lord’s Servant, known as Black Forest, wantonly didst partake of a carrot cake and lo he didst not drench it in the holy custard nor even did he warm it up a bit in the microwave. And Gah-T’oh saw that it was not good and visited Black Forest in the guise of a Jaffa Cake. And Gah-T’oh didst at length instruct Black Forest upon the merits of the sweet sticky goodness of the Custard and its importance in the ritual of the Holy Day of Cake. And Black Forest didst see that it was good and he didst repent greatly of the dryness of his Carrot Cake. And lo he was ashamed.'
Book of Kipling, Chapter 11 vs 1-9 . . . . ‘And lo the Prophet Kipling spake of the great glories of Cake unto his People, and they were ashamed, and they spake unto him thus: 'Kipling, art ye the Cakey Messiah that hath come unto us to deliver us from the great misery of Wednesdays without Cake? For so was it foreseen in the ancient texts of Gah-T'oh.' And lo Kipling answered unto them like a lion roaring in ye night: 'Nay, people of ye Tower Building, for another shalt come who will be even cakier than I, as much greater than me as a Doughnut is to a rich tea biscuit. He shalt tell ye of 'Belgium' and their mystical buns. From him shalt ye learn of the sweet land of 'Chelsea,' where buns shalt also be created for thy delectation. He shalt bring ye the 'toe-nail' of the mythical 'Elephant,' and ye shalt see that it is good. I am not worthy even to touch the hem of his garment, for his garments are made of Swiss Roll and art verily passing jammy.' And lo the wicked King of the land of Tower Building, who ate nnot of the baked goods and who was known as Roh-Par, spake unto his henchmen thus: 'I like not this Kipling and his talk of Gah-T'Oh. Neither do i approve of him baptising my workers with custard, for verily it contraveneth health and safety regulations. Therefore i wish that ye smite him and bring me his P45 on a plate.' And lo it came to pass, and the people of T2/4 greatly bewailed the passing of the prophet Kipling.’
Excerpts from the Cake Bible:
Book of Sponges, Chapter 8 vs. 1-14 . . . . 'In the time of the reign of Wenise Dawd, in the land of T'wah Beel-D'ing, there lived a humble servant of Gah-T'Oh, called Victoria. And one day the Lord came unto Victoria in the form of an apple pie and spake unto her thusly: 'Victoria, daughter of Battenberg, it is I, the Lord Gah-T'oh. I command thee to go from this place, for i have prepared for thee a special destiny.' And Victoria was afraid and a-quivered with fright like unto a trifle. 'My Lord, why hast thou chosen me?' To which Gah-T'oh replied, 'For thou art wise in the ways of cake. Go from this place, and fetch eggs, flour, and sugar, for verily hast thou much baking to do this day.' And lo Victoria didst bake a spongy cake, that was passing light and moist. And the Lord commanded her to slice the cake through the middle. And then he spoke unto her, 'Victoria, hast thou knowledge of a confectionary, made from the strawberry or even the raspberry, known unto my priests as 'Jam'?' And yea, 'jam' was fetched from the shop. The Lord again asked of her, 'Hast thou knowledge of a delight, gleaned from the excretions of the cow's teat, known unto my priests as 'Cream?'' And lo 'cream' was also fetched from the shop. And the Lord didst show Victoria how both 'cream' and 'jam' can be righteously spread betwixt the two halves of the sponge, to create a divine sandwich of cakey goodness. And lo, Victoria brought her sponge cake unto the people of T'wah Beel-D'ing, and on a Wednesday didst they partake of its creamy, jammy, and spongy delights. And Yea it was known as a Victoria Sponge. And the Lord saw that it was good.'
Chapter 6, Vs. 11-21 . . . . 'Lo it came to pass that our Lord Gah-T’oh called his servant known as Kipling, and moved him to speak unto the people of Bakewell, to chide them for their ignorance of cake-related issues: “People of Bakewell, thy neighbours the people of Eccles hath greatly shamed ye, for they hath prepared confectionaries named ‘Eccles Cakes,’ whilst ye in thy great sloth and ignorance hath conceived of no such delight. Therefore I commend ye, people of Bakewell, to create in the image of our Lord Gah-T’oh a glorious baked product, with almondy stuff, icing, and verily even a glace cherry nestl’d upon its very teat, like unto a booby. And yea it shall be known from this time as the Bakewell Tart.'
Chapter 9, Vs 12-18 . . . . 'And knowing nothing of the great significance of Custard, the Lord’s Servant, known as Black Forest, wantonly didst partake of a carrot cake and lo he didst not drench it in the holy custard nor even did he warm it up a bit in the microwave. And Gah-T’oh saw that it was not good and visited Black Forest in the guise of a Jaffa Cake. And Gah-T’oh didst at length instruct Black Forest upon the merits of the sweet sticky goodness of the Custard and its importance in the ritual of the Holy Day of Cake. And Black Forest didst see that it was good and he didst repent greatly of the dryness of his Carrot Cake. And lo he was ashamed.'
Book of Kipling, Chapter 11 vs 1-9 . . . . ‘And lo the Prophet Kipling spake of the great glories of Cake unto his People, and they were ashamed, and they spake unto him thus: 'Kipling, art ye the Cakey Messiah that hath come unto us to deliver us from the great misery of Wednesdays without Cake? For so was it foreseen in the ancient texts of Gah-T'oh.' And lo Kipling answered unto them like a lion roaring in ye night: 'Nay, people of ye Tower Building, for another shalt come who will be even cakier than I, as much greater than me as a Doughnut is to a rich tea biscuit. He shalt tell ye of 'Belgium' and their mystical buns. From him shalt ye learn of the sweet land of 'Chelsea,' where buns shalt also be created for thy delectation. He shalt bring ye the 'toe-nail' of the mythical 'Elephant,' and ye shalt see that it is good. I am not worthy even to touch the hem of his garment, for his garments are made of Swiss Roll and art verily passing jammy.' And lo the wicked King of the land of Tower Building, who ate nnot of the baked goods and who was known as Roh-Par, spake unto his henchmen thus: 'I like not this Kipling and his talk of Gah-T'Oh. Neither do i approve of him baptising my workers with custard, for verily it contraveneth health and safety regulations. Therefore i wish that ye smite him and bring me his P45 on a plate.' And lo it came to pass, and the people of T2/4 greatly bewailed the passing of the prophet Kipling.’
BrotherJohn |
Latest page update: made by BrotherJohn
, May 20 2008, 12:57 PM EDT
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| Started By | Thread Subject | Replies | Last Post | ||
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| BrotherJohn | Suggested Translations | 0 | May 20 2008, 12:59 PM EDT by BrotherJohn | ||
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Thread started: May 20 2008, 12:59 PM EDT
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If anyone is skilled enough in the translation of the Chee Skake language, please feel free to submit your own excerpts from the Cakey Bible via this thread.
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